For my first post back, I wanted to talk about a specific topic; Love. Everyone has a different perception. Here is my experience so far;
Over the last year, my relationship life has gone through something similar to that of a Harlequin Romance Novel and could be compared to my favourite childhood soap opera. I have posted in this very blog about some of my recent relationships . I thought that I was in "love". It is not to say that I didn't love him. That I didn't have deep, passionate feelings for him. That I didn't genuinely care for him or cherish the time we spent together. I just was not in love. No hard feelings (well, sort of) and we move on. We live. We learn. We grow.
Over the last few months, I have been thinking a lot about the concept of love. Thanks to the misrepresentative conglomerate known as Disney, my childhood perception of love was very diluted and mislead. At 6, I thought that love would be instant. That I would be seen in the distance by a boy that would fall head over heels madly in love with me and that would save me from the dragon and ride off into the sunset forever and ever. What a life. Clearly, as many of us were so sadly mistaken to find out, this is the most ridiculous fallicy. When I first fell in love, it was not like this. There was no fluttery soundtrack. No talking birds or mice to sew me a beautiful dress. No glass slipper. No Prince Charming.
When I first fell in love however, it did feel like magic. I was 15. I felt like I was floating. I dreamed. I laughed. I trusted. And eventually, I was left broken. Shattered. Violated. It felt like my heart had be ripped out of my chest and thrown across the room. I hated love. I vowed to never have it ever again.
University hit and I was a single, independent young woman on her own in Victoria. Away from my parents in a new city. Just me. I was fearless. Because of my first heartbreak, I was terrified of falling in love again. I built an icy fortress around my heart in the beginning. I remember the moment I decided I was going to have a "guy" mentality.
So let me explain to you the "guy" mentality. Men and Women have a very different perception of love. From the time we are toddlers to the point of retirement, it is very different. To be honest I think that 5 year olds have a better understanding of love than that of most18-30 year old men. Is there some point that happens in puberty that erases this beautiful vulnerability? When asked what love was, here are a few answers from 5-7 year old boys;
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
If you asked these boys what love was in their teens or early 20s, they would most likely laugh , tell you to shut the @%* up and change the subject. Men can separate intimacy from real love. They do not let their emotions get the better of them. They can clear the fog away that comes with love. They control how and when they express emotion. This is the guy mentality. I decided I didn't want to attach love to intimacy. I became completely detached and empty. You can probably guess as to what ensued.
It wasn't until a few months later that I had a moment of epiphany when I was in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Everyone from my university life didn't say a word. Well, some said a couple words, some names were called but I was completely shut off. I went to Mexico on Spring Break with my best friends from my hometown and I remember a hazy night when my best friend Kelsey shook me and asked me to look at my life. To have respect for myself. She was one of the only ones who told me straight. That what I was doing was wrong. That this was the worst way to live. The truth was, she was right. I was spiralling down. I was absolutely miserable. I vowed to change and reopen the thick icy layer that was surrounding my heart and be open to being loved again.
A few weeks later, I met the next love of my life. I immediately thought I would just become another notch in the beginning, but we had an amazing connection. He ended up being the love of my life for almost 4 years. There were ups and downs. Highs and lows. A serious rollercoaster. He pretty much saved me though and I will be forever grateful. When our love story came to a crashing end, I had forgotten the cruelty that love can ensue. Again, I was broken. I felt empty and all I wanted to do was fill that void.
My entire life, I have had this bone shattering fear of abandonment. It is no secret to my inner circle that the way I grew up had a small (large) influence on this. Or maybe it's just "middle child" syndrome. The middle child of a large family usually has to be very independent. I didn't have much time to be the baby of the family. And as much as I love my dad, he just was not there. So maybe that is why. I never felt loved by the father figure in my life. So I crave(d) the love of a man. And I wasted no time making sure it was always there from then on.
There is also that ever so well known, biological clock. It is engrained in women's brains to find a mate. Get married. Have Babies. Like a ticking fucking bomb.
After my relationship ended, I scrambled. I needed to fill this aching pain in my chest. After a few mistakes, I tried to get my ex back. I practically begged him to take me back. But nothing. When I finally let go, I met my now most recent ex. I don't want to use names. My love life was a trapeze act. I held on tight and after letting go of one set of arms, I fell ever so eloquently into the arms of another. He was kind to me. I made him fall in love with me. I was the game changer.
This feeling made me feel powerful. Like I would never be alone again. But looking back now, I am saddened. I hurt someone that didn't deserve to be hurt. I was selfish. Like I said in the beginning of this post. It is NOT that I didn't love him. I did. I cared for him. I am happy he was a part of my life. Even if for a short time. But I was not in love. So now my question is, How do you know?
I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that there is someone out there in this world that I am "made" for. How can you be "made " for anyone but yourself? I hate when people say the words, we "belong" together, leave it up to fate. Fuck Fate. You are in charge of the things or experiences that happen to you in your life. If you want something or someone, tell them how you feel. Be forward. Be real. Never hold back.
I also don't believe in love at first sight. Lust at first sight maybe. But I don't believe that you can develop real love in a matter of seconds. Once again, Fuck you Disney.
So now, I am a single 20-something year old woman. I would like to think that I have learned some more about this "love". Love can be kind. And Cruel. It can cloud your judgement. Or clear it. Real Love is gradual, like a sneaking feeling, hot and cold and then once it is close enough, will hit you all at once. Like an explosion. If you aren't careful, it can literally knock you on your ass. Love is extremely powerful and should never be underestimated. It can make you happy, furious, and sick all at the same time. I believe no matter how good or bad of a person you are, everyone deserves to fall in love. Even just once. Because even if I am in my darkest days, I will forever hold on to those butterflies. To that explosion. The difference between that 18 year old girl I used to be that so desperately needed to be loved and me today, is that I know now that love is not a necessity. It took me years to learn this. I don't need love. I cherish it and strive for it. But it is not a need. I am a strong, independent woman. I can finally be alone. And be happy with being alone.
I am not cynical. I am not swearing off love. I am just not going to chase it so fast any more. I now know that Love is not created, but found. I will continue my search, but no longer to I treat it like I am strapped to that ticking time bomb and it
is the only thing that will diffuse the bomb. So until love finds me, I will be here waiting. But I am finally fine with it just being me.
All my love to you all,
S.
